The Crush
by fangirl1982
Summary: Jack's been trying to tell Gabrielle how he feels for months...


_Feedback Would be loved. And obviously, I don't own anything - if I did, I'd be writing scripts, not fanfiction._

"Sometimes I think you'd never eat lunch if I didn't bring it to you."

Gabrielle Jaeger was so lost in trying to sort the rosters out that that she didn't register Jack Quade was talking to her until several seconds after he had. "Sorry," she muttered. "I'm trying to sort out agency staff. I have never worked at a place which was blacklisted by so many agencies."

"Guess I'm responsible for one nurse," Jack replied wryly.

Gabrielle allowed herself one small, cheeky smile. "Rachel agreed to come back so long as I swear black and blue that you won't be working the same shift. I'm surprised no-one told you."

"I don't spend a lot of time with the staff, particularly not the nursing staff."

"Surely Dan said _something_."

"I moved out a week ago. It had been on the cards for a while and Dan and Ricki getting engaged was about as much as I could take."

"I sometimes wondered how the two of you got along," Gabrielle mused. "He's such a gossip, so nosy and –"

"I'm an anal Nazi when it comes to my privacy?" Jack finished. Gabrielle looked guilty. That wasn't _exactly _how she would have worded it, but it wasn't far off, either. "It's fine. Things just really changed after he and Ricki got together. I don't blame the guy, good for him that he's found someone like that, but I ended up really feeling unwelcome in my own home and resenting him for it."

"If I'd known, I would have offered you my place. It's been kind of lonely without Steve and I could certainly do with help on the mortgage."

Jack's heart skipped a beat. Gabrielle had no idea how much he wanted to hear those words – in another context. "Thanks, but I'm kind of over having to respect that it's someone else's house – especially when they own the place. I knew if I ended up sharing again, I'd be there for years. Besides, when my mum died, she left her Bondi place to me and my sister. Bec wanted her own place in town so I bought her out. I've been renting it out ever since 'cos it was cheaper for me to live somewhere else, but I've gotten to a point where I don't want to worry about landlords and housemates and all that."

Gabrielle whistled. "Bondi, sounds nice." Even a country girl like her had heard of the beachside suburb.

"Yeah, it's a pretty nice place. I hate to know how mum afforded it."

There was a comfortable silence between them. Jack and Gabrielle had slipped into an easy friendship following his return to All Saints Western General Hospital's Emergency Department, and among other things, he'd confided in her his mother's promiscuity – she'd sleep with any man who would fund the lifestyle she'd grown accustomed to – and his own issues with his sexuality.

She'd come to respect him for the childhood issues he'd had to overcome – both parent's promiscuity, neither parent wanting him, his father and stepmother's emotional and physical abuse. No wonder he constantly sought for acceptance in the arms of women.

"I don't think that matters at this point," she said. "Think I'll invite myself over someday. It's got to be nicer than my place." Steve had often criticized her house for being quite dreary, and while she'd resented him for it, she'd known he kind of had a point. It _was_ dreary. It was an old house with narrow halls that she could never properly light and had a stuffy feel to it. A place in Bondi sounded heavenly.

She suddenly realized he had bought her lunch. "Jack, you shouldn't have," she said. And it was her favorite, too, chicken and avocado on Turkish bread. From the gourmet deli down the street, not the hospital cafeteria. "How much do I owe you?"she asked.

He grinned. "I'll let you pay your lunch tab when you let me pay my bar tab," he said.

"Deal," she agreed. She accepted the sandwich gratefully. She and Jack had drifted into the habit of having drinks together when they're shifts ended at the same time (actually, they'd drifted into the habit of doing a lot of things together) and more often that not, she picked up the tab.

He sat down next to her, glancing over her rosters. "You should talk to Zoe," he remarked casually.

"Why?"

"Because Frank only works weekdays, yeah?" Jack asked; it was one of the perks of being a Head of Department and meant Gabrielle frequently clashed with him, working the same hours. " I realize it's not a great solution, but if you put most of your permanent staff on when Frank's on – and you shouldn't get many complaints for handing out day shifts – it's probably easier to fill your holes at night with agency staff if they know Frank won't be on than it will filling your days when they know he is."

Gabrielle had to laugh at that. "I've never known a nurse to prefer a night shift to a day one."

"I've known several people in my life who would prefer the nightshift rates with a nicer boss than day rates with a not-so-nice one," he said. "Hell, I've been running the Wednesday and Thursday night shifts for the last three months and almost everyone who worked with Frank said they prefer me."

"Since when have you been running night shifts?"

"I just said, for the last three months or so. I took advantage of the fact Charlotte won't work nights if she can help it, Bart's too junior and Frank just doesn't trust Steve. I'm going for the next emergency fellowship that comes up and it will look good to have experience running the department – even if it _is_ at three in the morning."

"Jack, that's fantastic." She knew he was looking to move forward in his career after letting it stagnate for a while. He had a sharp mind and if he bothered to harness it he could go far. "You really wouldn't mind having to deal with a bunch of temps?" she asked.

"I'd rather work with nurses I know, but I can appreciate the situation you're in and it's probably the best solution possible." Without Frank suddenly becoming the perfect boss overnight, that was.

She sighed with relief. "You're sweet, Jack." She threw the pencil down, deciding she would deal with it later. "I've got calluses from all this writing," she complained.

Boldly, he brought his arms around her so he could take her hands in his, bringing them palm-up and running his fingers over them. "You exaggerate," he said. "You could do with a little moisturizer but you know hospital-grade soap is a bitch on skin, that's got nothing to do with calluses."

She rested her head against his shoulder. It felt good to have a friend in this job. "You're so nice to me," she said. "I hate this job sometimes. The nurses are never happy and the doctors alternate between expecting me to perform miracles and thinking I have the brain of a pea just because I don't have a doctor's degree. It feels like no-one likes me."

"I like you, plenty, Gabby. I, uh… like you a lot."

If she hadn't been so distracted by the ever-demanding job of juggling shifts, she would have detected the shy huskiness in his voice that everyone knew. "I like you too, Jack," she said distractedly.

Jack wanted to scream in frustration. This was the _third _time he'd tried to tell her how he felt about her, only to be knocked back. The first had been when he'd asked her to accompany him to dinner with his sister and her father – he always hated those dinners, because even though Peter never said anything, Jack got the distinct impression Peter saw in Jack his binge-drinking, philandering father Ned.

Gabrielle had laughed and said no-one would ever believe Jack had extended such an invitation just as a friend. Jack hadn't bothered to explain it had been his way of hedging his bets between asking her out and not being rejected having asked her out.

The second time, he'd gone to kiss her after driving her home from drinks at Cougars. His timing had been a few seconds too late, and as he was leaning in, her phone had gone off. It had been Steve, and he'd been forced to settle for a distracted wave goodbye as her ex-boyfriend demanded her attention.

He didn't know exactly where his feelings for her had come from. He only knew he felt good around her. They'd gotten off on the wrong foot when he'd returned to the ED six months ago and she'd been made to babysit him, but she'd warmed up to him after a while and they'd settled into an easy camaraderie he hadn't had with anyone in a while.

He liked the way it felt when she touched him, and he didn't normally like people touching him. His mind still savoured the time she'd jumped back into his arms after having the crap scared out of her by a dog, the way she ruffled his hair when he was down about losing a patient, the way she brushed her hand down his arm when he was tired and strung-out. She had a soothing affect on him. And she knew about Patrick Wesley.

He hadn't meant to tell her. It had come one night over a few drinks at her place – working through half a carton over a few DVDs had been something they both missed, between Steve's alcoholism and Dan's Hep C. She had already known he was in counseling but not what had fuelled his decent into using alcohol and women to try and deal with his problems.

He'd mentioned his counselor by name – Karen – and that had piqued her interest, asking him if he meant Karen Haynes. He hadn't bothered to lie about it; Karen Haynes was one of the best sexual trauma physiatrists in New South Wales, and just happened to work for All Saints.

It had been easier than he'd expected it to be to tell her – well, not Gabrielle in particular, but anyone. To put it frankly that he'd been raped, and more than once…

Afterwards, he'd been surprised how good it had felt to cry in her arms until he had nothing left. It was hard to let go, and he was far too homophobic to ever have let Dan or Mike touch him like that – but with Gabrielle he felt… safe. It had been ages since he'd felt safe, since he'd felt like he didn't have to prove anything. Gabrielle liked him, got him, made him laugh.

He'd been surprised at what a relief it was for her to understand what Travis had meant to him, and why he'd treated Rachel the way he had. He couldn't blame her for resenting the way he'd jerked her around, ending in her refusing to work at the All Saints ED anymore, but he was relieved that she understood why he'd done it.

He'd started falling for her soon after. Who could blame him, she made him feel good about himself and she knew about Patrick. He'd wondered more than once what it would like to be with someone who got his sexual hang-ups, although for the most part, he didn't get beyond what it would be like to kiss her…

He'd been trying to tell her he was interested in her for weeks now, but every time, his timing was off or she didn't get what he was trying to tell her… he drew back slightly and let go of her hands. He wondered if this was his punishment for all the women he'd used, that he finally connected with one he really liked and he was destined to have his interest unreturned…

--

A few days later, Erica was leafing through a bridal magazine while she had a few minutes spare – enough of a rarity in the ED that she took advantage of the free time. "See anything you like?" Gabrielle asked, a little enviously.

Erica flipped to a few pages she'd dog-eared – lots of long, flowing strapless dresses that suited Erica's tall, slim figure. "You're going to look so beautiful," Gabrielle gushed, and she meant it. She was happy for her subordinate, but still – she couldn't help but feel a little be jealous at their happiness. Dan and Erica had something rare – something she herself had never had.

The two women chatted for a few minutes before Erica went off to do rounds. Gabrielle couldn't help but flipping through the magazine after Erica had gone, thinking there was one model who had a similar build and colouring to her and looked absolutely gorgeous in an off-the-shoulder pale gold dress…

"Something you're not telling us, Gabby?" Charlotte asked teasingly from a meter away, startling Gabrielle out of her reverie. "You seem awfully interested in that magazine, I was wondering if there was something you weren't telling us – a man in your life?"

Gabrielle found herself blushing, especially since she knew Jack was close by, closer than Charlotte was. They'd confided a lot in each other of the last few months – there was something about a colleague and friend confiding in you being sexually abused as a child that made it very easy to confide your own sacred secrets. The big one was Gabrielle's insecurity about her desirability as a woman – the only man she'd ever been with was Steve, and when your only experience with men being a womanizing alcoholic (she'd never had it confirmed, but her gut told her that her best friend hadn't been his only conquest while they'd been together), well, that wasn't exactly good for making you feel good about yourself as a woman.

She often thought about those NUMs everyone laughed at – the plain ones the doctors weren't interested in, the ones who had no personal life so they could always be relied on to take up the slack when women like Erica wanted to see their boyfriends and plan their weddings…

She'd had her thoughts about Jack, of course. But she knew he wasn't interested in a relationship, knew if he was, he wouldn't be interested in dating a colleague, knew if he was, there were plenty more attractive women out there then her…

"No man," Gabrielle admitted. "It's just…"

"Yeah, I know, sometimes they're so damn happy and you get so envious," Charlotte finished.

"It gets a bit lonely," Gabrielle agreed.

"Gabby, do you want to go to dinner with me?" Jack blurted out, fuelled on by Gabrielle's admission of loneliness. It was something he could appreciate only too well. He certainly felt _less_ lonely when he was with her, and he hoped she felt the same way.

"What, like a date?" she asked.

"Um… yeah."

She smiled and patted his cheek. "You're sweet," she said gratefully. "But I'm not quite _that_ desperate yet that I need pity dates." And she walked off, torn between thinking Jack was sweet for at least _trying_ to make her feel good about herself and feeling a little insulted that he _thought_ he was that desperate…

… "What attempt is that?" Charlotte asked with a smirk when Gabrielle was out of earshot. It was obvious, at least to Charlotte, that Jack had a thing for Gabrielle. He was more attentive to her, more affectionate with her. He hadn't been like that with Deanna, certainly hadn't been like that with Rachel.

"Fourth," Jack admitted sheepishly.

"You ever thought about just _telling_ her how you feel?" Charlotte asked.

"Oh, that didn't count, did it? And the time I told her I liked her didn't count, either?"

"She's not taking you seriously, and I can't say I blame her. Steve hurt her pretty badly. You have to make her feel special. She could do with some of that in her life. Maybe you just have to make it really obvious."

Jack made a face. "Maybe I'm being obvious enough and she's trying to let me down gently. I haven't got the best reputation, you know."

"The amount of time you guys have been spending together lately, you don't think maybe she knows you better than your reputation?" Charlotte asked gently. Jack just shook his head and waved dismissively, signaling that the conversation was over.

--

The following week, Jack, Steve and Gabrielle were allocated a patient, a man who's fiancée had taken to his penis with a very sharp knife over his latest infidelity. She was still screaming abuse at him when the police arrested her. Even screaming like a banshee, she was an uncommonly beautiful woman – she easily made Erica look plain by comparison – and Steve had been distracted for several seconds by her beauty.

The damage was extensive, and even though Jack managed to reattach the member, there was doubt the man would ever regain full use of it. "Prick deserves it," Jack muttered under his breath. He had witnessed the damage his father's infidelities had caused and had strong views on the subject – if you couldn't keep it in your pants, you shouldn't be in a committed relationship.

"Absolutely," Steve agreed. "Did you see his fiancée? She's _gorgeous_. If he was idiot enough to stray from _that_… I'd never cheat on someone who looked like her."

It had been a singularly insensitive thing to say. Jack caught the look of absolute devastation on Gabrielle's face and he could read her thoughts as plainly as if they were written all over her – _if only I had been prettier, he wouldn't have slept with someone else_. She ran off to her office.

"You idiot," Jack hissed at Steve.

Steve looked genuinely perplexed at Jack's anger. "What?" he asked.

"You _really_ don't get it, do you?" he asked.

"Get what?"

"Oh, I'd never cheat on someone who looked like her? What, do you lie awake at night thinking of ways to make Gabby feel miserable about herself?"

Steve looked sheepish when he realized what Jack was talking about. "She told you about that, huh?" he asked.

"About the fact you screwed her best friend, along with God knows who else? Yup."

Steve glowered. He had no defense, so he tried to put Jack on the defense. "You can't talk, the amount of women you've stuck it to," he retorted.

"Never when I was in a relationship," Jack returned. Why was he bothering to engage with this loser? If he couldn't figure out what a jewel he had in Gabrielle…

"Fine, I'll go apologize," he said.

Jack moved swiftly, positioning himself between Steve and the office. Steve was bulkier then he was, but Jack had a height advantage, and since Steve was basically a sniveling worm who never ran out of excuses for himself and therefore prone to avoiding confrontation, Steve backed off, glowing as he did.

Jack let himself into Gabrielle's office. She had been too upset to think to lock the door, which she should have, because she was crying. "Go away, Jack," she said.

"He's an ass, Gabby." Anyone who'd cheat on someone as awesome as Gabrielle and there throw it back in her face in such an insensitive manner was an ass.

"Because you're so much better, Jack," she snapped back.

She was emotional but her words still hurt as if she'd struck him – _hard_. "That's not fair," he said.

"All you doctors are alike – if she's plain, she's desperate, she won't care if I screw around on her."

"That's not true! I know you're hurt and angry, Gabby, but don't take it out on me. I'm you're friend, remember?"

"Sure, Jack, I know that. You're my _friend_, but you wouldn't stoop so low to _date_ me, would you?"

Jack stared at her, dumbfounded. "You have _got_ to be kidding me," he said. She had it all twisted around.

"What, you think I don't know exactly what that dinner was about? You just felt sorry for me and I_ hate_ it Jack, I _hate_ it."

"I didn't ask you out because I felt sorry for you," Jack said quietly, but she was so worked up, she didn't hear him.

"Go away, Jack," she said. "Go… flirt with some pretty nurse, whatever it is you do when you want to engage with someone pretty."

"I don't want someone pretty – I mean, you're plenty pretty – oh, for heaven's sake," he snapped, closing the distance between them quickly, drawing Gabrielle into a tight embrace and pushing his mouth against hers hard. She struggled against his embrace, shocked by what was happening.

He grabbed her wrists and pinned them behind her back. "Stop it," he growled. "I'm crazy about you and I've been trying to tell you for weeks. Don't… fight… me." He let go of her wrists and started nuzzling her neck. She gasped with pleasure and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Jack," she gasped. "Are you serious?"

"I'm kissing you in your office and you're questioning me?" he asked. "Gabby, what do I have to do to prove how much I like you? Screw you on you desk? Just say so and I'll lock the door."

"You can't be serious."

"I am perfectly serious," he said, although it was kind of hard to tell, the way his eyes were sparkling. He pulled away from her and backed towards the door without breaking eye contact with her. He engaged the lock and walked slowly towards her, a knowing grin on his face.

She wasn't sure if he was bluffing, but decided not to test him. Her desk wasn't exactly _comfortable_ – although when Jack took her in his arms and kissed her hard, it was difficult to remember that. "I've wanted to do this for so long," he admitted huskily, wondering how hard he had to push her before she asked him to take her home; he had no intention of having sex with her in her office. Not only would it be uncomfortable and unprofessional, she deserved better than a quick tryst on her desk… He lifted her up so she was sitting on the edge of her desk and wedged his hand between her thighs, opening them so she could wrap them around his waist as they continued kissing. "Baby…" he murmured. He started kissing her neck and running his hands over her body, coming to rest provocatively on her breast.

Gabrielle shivered. She had secretly wondered if Jack felt the same heat she did when she was around him, but this was something else entirely. This was something she'd never felt before – not with Steve, not with anyone. She couldn't take this anymore. She wanted him to do things to her… something told her Jack would be very good in bed, that sex with him would be a mind-opening experience. "Jack," she begged huskily, the desire in her voice obvious, "take me home."

--

"How are you feeling?"

Jack stirred slightly from being dead still, but only to curl up tighter against Gabrielle's warm, naked body. He trailed kisses along her neck and the side of her face. "Safe," he murmured softly. "Loved."

She luxuriated in his embrace. After it was over – an hour of foreplay followed by nearly twenty minutes of action (she'd _known_ he would have strength and stamina, but that was something else) he'd pulled her into a spooning position and had, for the last half an hour, held in her dead stillness and dead silence. It was a little unnerving.

But she got it. She hadn't appreciated until now the extent of the restlessness haunted him – especially sexually. To never be able to open up about what had happened to him – she couldn't fathom what a burden off his shoulders it was to be with someone knew what Patrick had done to him – and loved him all the more for it, for the strength he'd demonstrated in getting through it.

She wondered just how hard it had been for Jack to feel safe and loved, and realized she couldn't comprehend… she only knew that _she_, Gabrielle Jaeger, could make him feel that… she threaded her fingers through his and brought his hand up to her mouth, kissing it. "I've never been with someone I cared about as much," she admitted, and that included Steve. Strange how the emotions she'd felt for a childhood sweetheart – so intense at the time – faded when compared to how she felt about Jack.

He stroked her bare skin and she shivered in anticipation. "I know what you mean," he said huskily. He thought about how intensely he'd felt for other girlfriends – even how hot he was for a one-night stand in the throes of passion – and that passion seemed so cold by comparison. "I feel like I don't have to prove anything with you," he admitted.

"I don't understand."

"I've been with a lot of women to prove myself sexually, to prove that I was straight, that I wasn't – the things he called me. There was always part of me who needed to be the greatest lover they'd ever had but with you – I can't explain it exactly, but I don't feel I need to prove anything. I can just… be still."

She turned to face him. It was the most beautiful thing a man had said to her. "I love you," Jack, she said quietly. It was out of the blue but it felt like the right thing to say. She loved everything about him – his strength, his compassion, his integrity, his kindness despite all that had happened to him. He was a strong, brave man and she loved him.

He smiled adoringly at her. "I love you to," he said, and kissed her. His caressing became more focused, and Gabrielle knew where things were headed. She surrendered to their passion, knowing that he was finally at peace with himself – and she had a lot to do with that.


End file.
